On Denials and Hypocrisies

I try to be the very best that I am, but most of the time, I fail, and I can't really do what I expect myself to be doing, or what I say that must be done.

On Denials and Hypocrisies...

I always try to be one hell of a perfect guy. I try as much as I could to please everyone, even to the point of losing myself. I always check on others' mistake, thinking that they're wrong and I'm right. I always ridicule others' weakness. I wanted to be the best but it's making me worse. I don't know where to place.

For instance, as a pretentious good guy, I always criticize people who are very much conceited, and full of themselves, never realizing that I am also a proud guy who always think that I am the greatest among others. But wait, I am not conceited, nor very full of myself, nor selfish. I know my limits, but, there are still some things I do not know about myself. This made me think that I'm proud sometimes. I often insult others, too, and think they're crazy as I am criticizing others for doing the same.

Yet, most of the time, I always deny that I do those saying to myself, "Hey! She must already be used to my insult. She must not get mad at me already." Only to think that my insults are getting worse.

Another instance would be when I would try to be selfish with the facts I know. Though I find it unfair to share the knowledge I know but get uncredited, I often do critisize people who are not sharing what they know to others, especially to me. Hypocrite? Yes. I believe so.

But there are some instance when my criticisms are right. For example, one person I know always have this favorite student. This teacher always checks on this student, on whatever he is doing. As an Education student, this is not a sign of good teaching. A teacher, no matter how he favors a student, must not show it to the class because there are other students listening. I'm not insecure. It's a teacher's basic rule.

I blame myself for being too attached to the external environment that I almost forget to look at myself in the mirror. The moment that my classmate told me that I've changed, I looked inside myself and found out many wrong things that I've been doing for the past weeks which I overlooked because I was too busy being a hypocrite. I was too busy denying the fact that I probably changed already.

Though that was not the reason why my classmate said that to me (it was a reason so confidential it needs not to be said online, but it's utterly seen in my last blog post.), it readily made me examine myself. I do not know if I would soon change, but if I can, I hope I will.

Lily Aldrin said this on the 21st episode of the first season of the show, "How I Met Your Mother," entitled Milk,

"There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say, 'Yehp, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be not to make the mistake because then you go your life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not."

(Yeah, I really repeated this scene several times just to get this line perfectly.)

I never knew I did this mistake but now I know it's a mistake, it's high time for me make up for that mistake. Thanks for the advice Lily, and thanks to the person who said that to me.